So, I'm on a bit of a personal mission here, to make sure that the news of what occurred with the Iroquois Nationals does not die. To sum it up, they were invited to the World Games to play Lacrosse, a game that they were the first players of, and England refused to recognize their sovereign right to travel under their own passports. The US stepped in and offered to provide supporting travel waivers, and England refused to accept this as well.
This is a really big issue. The team outlaid a great deal of time, money and effort in order to be at a game the world would not have without them. The closest approximation I can give to this for readers unfamiliar with First Nations, sovereignty issues, or failure to be recognized or acknowledged is this:
Consider that a woman gives birth to a child. That child is her gift to the world, among the many gifts that she has, but she shares this gift with the world. Now imagine that her child is loved by many across the world. Of course, she would take pride in this. Her child has grown and is now being celebrated in another country at a large event. The mother seeks to go to celebrate her child's influence in the world, but she is held back from attending her own child's big moment. Why would this happen? The host government refuses to recognize her passport. In doing so, they refuse to acknowledge her role at all in having brought forth such a wondrous child to be shared and loved so by so many across the world.
I am trying to do my small part to keep this matter on the radar, and support the team. There are many different ways we might help. Donations can be made direction to the team through their website:
www.iroquoisnationals.org
There are some fantastic team logo shirts and jackets currently for sale, and an auction for an official team jersey and shorts set.
The issue of recognition by England is another matter. I've decided to send an email to the Prime Minister of England and would encourage you to do so as well. Their link is:
https://email.number10.gov.uk/
Here is what I wrote:
"Your government's refusal to allow the Iroquois Nationals in to play at the Lacrosse games is highly offensive to many of us. They were the original players of it. I wish you to issue a formal apology to the team and their respective sovereign governments, and change your policies in the future. Their First Nations sovereign right to issue their own passports are unquestionable and your stance indefensible. I personally intend to boycott all products from England and refuse to do business with any corporation that has ties to your Nation, until said apology is formally issued and the policy of animosity toward sovereign First Nations people has changed. Thank you for your consideration."
Please consider forwarding this blog to your friends. They do not need to be First Nations people or Lacrosse fans in order to recognize an injustice. They need only to want to right it.
I'll post updates on the matter as I have them. Thanks all!
Oleander
The closet Lacrosse fan and totally out activist
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Why Do More Than Your Share?
Lately, I've had a number of conversations with friends where they've pointed out to me that I do more for people than they do for me. Sometimes even more that their own family members would do. They say that I tend to give people a lot of credit, or invest more in others than would seem reasonable. One even gave herself as an example, of feeling that she received more in our relationship than she had given.
Perhaps they think it's a self-esteem thing, or that I get taken for a ride, or that I'm trying to prove something. In those conversations, I refer back to teachings I received and particular traditional values that I hold, or about my desire to prove the world wrong. My early experiences in life would have given me every reason never to trust anyone, ever, let alone go out of my way to help others in this world.
Tonight I was reflecting on how I ought to pay attention to this, given the number of times it's come up lately in my conversations with friends. The more I thought on it, the less it was about particular traditional values I was taught or trying to prove the world wrong. I have some pretty rock solid self-esteem, so that's not it, either. So, here's where my thought process took me:
The idea of "responsibility" can be seen as having the ability to respond. If I have the ability to respond to something, I do it, and if I don't, I don't. I'm pretty clear with folks about what I can and can't do. So why do more than your share in a friendship? Mainly, it's because I can. Beneathe that is a sentiment I don't share often, or even consciously do, but is a fairly strong undercurrent to all of this. It is that I was given amazing opportunities, chances, and gifts in this life.
I had very little in terms of prospects, and quite a lot going against me in my earlier years. The Creator saw fit to open these doors for me, give me these opportunities, and support me through all of it. I have been both humbled and overwhelmed with gratitude for this, and really, there's not a lot I can give the Creator that he doesn't already have, right? So I decided that when people need help and I might just be in a position to do something, just go ahead and do it.
I don't want folks to think this idea just sprung forth from me. I remember one summer, when I was working at the Mall putting myself through college, and having only a bike to get me anywhere, we got a terrible rainstorm. One of my friends, Gabrielle, also worked with me, and after work she took me to her house. Her mother was all changed for bed, ready to sleep, and she knew my house was a few miles away. She got up, changed clothes and drove me home that night. I was overwhelmed by her kindness, because I hadn't expected her to do that and hadn't asked. I felt ashamed to make her go out of her way for me, and that I'd caused her to change her evening plans. We talked about it, and she shared a story about people doing things for her, and that the best way to thank her would be that if someone ever needed my help someday, just go ahead and do it.
I've been thanking Mrs. Shemett ever since, on some level, for both her kindness and the wisdom she shared with me that night.
If we're given opportunities, gifts, and chances by the Creator, my thought is that if I can't return the gift properly to him, the least I can do is pay it forward.
Perhaps they think it's a self-esteem thing, or that I get taken for a ride, or that I'm trying to prove something. In those conversations, I refer back to teachings I received and particular traditional values that I hold, or about my desire to prove the world wrong. My early experiences in life would have given me every reason never to trust anyone, ever, let alone go out of my way to help others in this world.
Tonight I was reflecting on how I ought to pay attention to this, given the number of times it's come up lately in my conversations with friends. The more I thought on it, the less it was about particular traditional values I was taught or trying to prove the world wrong. I have some pretty rock solid self-esteem, so that's not it, either. So, here's where my thought process took me:
The idea of "responsibility" can be seen as having the ability to respond. If I have the ability to respond to something, I do it, and if I don't, I don't. I'm pretty clear with folks about what I can and can't do. So why do more than your share in a friendship? Mainly, it's because I can. Beneathe that is a sentiment I don't share often, or even consciously do, but is a fairly strong undercurrent to all of this. It is that I was given amazing opportunities, chances, and gifts in this life.
I had very little in terms of prospects, and quite a lot going against me in my earlier years. The Creator saw fit to open these doors for me, give me these opportunities, and support me through all of it. I have been both humbled and overwhelmed with gratitude for this, and really, there's not a lot I can give the Creator that he doesn't already have, right? So I decided that when people need help and I might just be in a position to do something, just go ahead and do it.
I don't want folks to think this idea just sprung forth from me. I remember one summer, when I was working at the Mall putting myself through college, and having only a bike to get me anywhere, we got a terrible rainstorm. One of my friends, Gabrielle, also worked with me, and after work she took me to her house. Her mother was all changed for bed, ready to sleep, and she knew my house was a few miles away. She got up, changed clothes and drove me home that night. I was overwhelmed by her kindness, because I hadn't expected her to do that and hadn't asked. I felt ashamed to make her go out of her way for me, and that I'd caused her to change her evening plans. We talked about it, and she shared a story about people doing things for her, and that the best way to thank her would be that if someone ever needed my help someday, just go ahead and do it.
I've been thanking Mrs. Shemett ever since, on some level, for both her kindness and the wisdom she shared with me that night.
If we're given opportunities, gifts, and chances by the Creator, my thought is that if I can't return the gift properly to him, the least I can do is pay it forward.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Redemption
Hello World!
I fell asleep last night thinking about the word "redemption" so this morning, contemplated what it might mean for me.
As I am wont to do, I began doing searches for the origins and meaning of the word. Then it occurred to me that words have no power or meaning except those which we give to them. It is in the context of our lives and circumstances that certain words might raise themselves up to be given such power over, through and in us. Yet when most people hear the word "redemption" it is in the context of giving ourselves over to a power greater than ourselves in order to receive something.
When I looked up the word in Merriam-Webster, it said it means the act of redeeming. Redeeming serves to offset or compensate for a defect. One difficulty that I have with the commonly held meaning of redemption is its link to the idea of offsetting or compensating for a defect. I'd prefer to actively work on my defects, rather than to offset or compensate for them. I decided then to cast aside the commonly held meaning and work this morning on examining what I ascribe to it in order to give it power.
The word "redeem" has multiple meanings, according to Merriam-Webster:
Main Entry: re·deem
Pronunciation: \ri-ˈdēm\
Function: transitive verb
Etymology: Middle English redemen, from Anglo-French redemer, modification of Latin redimere, from re-, red- re- + emere to take, buy; akin to Lithuanian imti to take
Date: 15th century
1 a : to buy back : repurchase b : to get or win back
2 : to free from what distresses or harms: as a : to free from captivity by payment of ransom b : to extricate from or help to overcome something detrimental c : to release from blame or debt : clear d : to free from the consequences of sin
3 : to change for the better : reform
4 : repair, restore
5 a : to free from a lien by payment of an amount secured thereby b (1) : to remove the obligation of by payment (2) : to exchange for something of value c : to make good : fulfill
6 a : to atone for : expiate b (1) : to offset the bad effect of (2) : to make worthwhile : retrieve
There appears in this to be an exchange of value that occurs in which something positive is claimed as the end result. I began to understand it as the possible outcome of imminent justice.
Of late, I've had a lot of discussion with friends about unjust situations. Invariably, there is a desire to cast blame, claim injustice by another person or group, and otherwise elevate oneself or ones position through the vilification of another. I suppose that's one possible way to handle it. Excepting that the moment that we do this, we give power over to that other person or group without even realizing it. Consider, what if our anger, self-righteous indignation, fears, superiority and hurt are all forms of energy? In claiming and holding onto those, we give them value over other things. They take up a lot of our time and energy.
For a situation to be redeemed, (or, as it relates to me, for me to receive redemption as I so define it) an exchange needs to occur in which we give over what we formerly gave such value and power in our lives in order for something positive to occur. That, my friends, is POWERFUL.
That exchange opens the doors for imminent justice to occur and for balance to be restored, and for my concept of redemption of manifest itself in my life. This has been happening with me, which is why I've felt the sense that something good is coming my way.
What good is coming yours?
I fell asleep last night thinking about the word "redemption" so this morning, contemplated what it might mean for me.
As I am wont to do, I began doing searches for the origins and meaning of the word. Then it occurred to me that words have no power or meaning except those which we give to them. It is in the context of our lives and circumstances that certain words might raise themselves up to be given such power over, through and in us. Yet when most people hear the word "redemption" it is in the context of giving ourselves over to a power greater than ourselves in order to receive something.
When I looked up the word in Merriam-Webster, it said it means the act of redeeming. Redeeming serves to offset or compensate for a defect. One difficulty that I have with the commonly held meaning of redemption is its link to the idea of offsetting or compensating for a defect. I'd prefer to actively work on my defects, rather than to offset or compensate for them. I decided then to cast aside the commonly held meaning and work this morning on examining what I ascribe to it in order to give it power.
The word "redeem" has multiple meanings, according to Merriam-Webster:
Main Entry: re·deem
Pronunciation: \ri-ˈdēm\
Function: transitive verb
Etymology: Middle English redemen, from Anglo-French redemer, modification of Latin redimere, from re-, red- re- + emere to take, buy; akin to Lithuanian imti to take
Date: 15th century
1 a : to buy back : repurchase b : to get or win back
2 : to free from what distresses or harms: as a : to free from captivity by payment of ransom b : to extricate from or help to overcome something detrimental c : to release from blame or debt : clear d : to free from the consequences of sin
3 : to change for the better : reform
4 : repair, restore
5 a : to free from a lien by payment of an amount secured thereby b (1) : to remove the obligation of by payment
6 a : to atone for : expiate
There appears in this to be an exchange of value that occurs in which something positive is claimed as the end result. I began to understand it as the possible outcome of imminent justice.
Of late, I've had a lot of discussion with friends about unjust situations. Invariably, there is a desire to cast blame, claim injustice by another person or group, and otherwise elevate oneself or ones position through the vilification of another. I suppose that's one possible way to handle it. Excepting that the moment that we do this, we give power over to that other person or group without even realizing it. Consider, what if our anger, self-righteous indignation, fears, superiority and hurt are all forms of energy? In claiming and holding onto those, we give them value over other things. They take up a lot of our time and energy.
For a situation to be redeemed, (or, as it relates to me, for me to receive redemption as I so define it) an exchange needs to occur in which we give over what we formerly gave such value and power in our lives in order for something positive to occur. That, my friends, is POWERFUL.
That exchange opens the doors for imminent justice to occur and for balance to be restored, and for my concept of redemption of manifest itself in my life. This has been happening with me, which is why I've felt the sense that something good is coming my way.
What good is coming yours?
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Ogoun on Michigan Avenue
Hello Readers,
I'm contemplating the sequel to "The Summer of Pomba Gira" (SOPG) which will be "Ogoun on Michigan Avenue." It's set in Chicago again, several years in the future from the end of SOPG.
This is going to be an edgier book. Ogoun is an Afro-Caribbean Condomble deity who comes to Chicago looking for one of the characters from SOPG. Somebody is causing trouble for all of the world, and he's sent to set things straight.
This book will be addressing racism head on. In SOPG, I worked on themes of internalized racism and internalized sexism. In the sequel, we see it through the eyes of Ogoun as he's on his search to find one of the characters. We'll see the evolution of Evaline, Jonah, Maria and Thomas.
In the beginning of SOPG, I share a short snippet of a Cherokee story of the contest set forth by the Creator, one that results in unique gifts given to the mountain lion and the owl. In SOPG we're introduced to the mountain lion. In the sequel, it will be the owl that comes.
I've got half the storyline firmly planted in my head, insofar as it relates to Evaline and her mother. As was the case with the first book, I find myself struggling with Jonah's plotline. I think this is because I most closely relate to Jonah's character and therefore I'm as clueless about what he'd be likely to do as I am about what I myself might do at times. However, I trust myself and my characters to lead me to exactly where we need to be.
So I'll be busy writing, as I'd like to get the first draft done by the end of the year.
Wish me luck!
Oleander
I'm contemplating the sequel to "The Summer of Pomba Gira" (SOPG) which will be "Ogoun on Michigan Avenue." It's set in Chicago again, several years in the future from the end of SOPG.
This is going to be an edgier book. Ogoun is an Afro-Caribbean Condomble deity who comes to Chicago looking for one of the characters from SOPG. Somebody is causing trouble for all of the world, and he's sent to set things straight.
This book will be addressing racism head on. In SOPG, I worked on themes of internalized racism and internalized sexism. In the sequel, we see it through the eyes of Ogoun as he's on his search to find one of the characters. We'll see the evolution of Evaline, Jonah, Maria and Thomas.
In the beginning of SOPG, I share a short snippet of a Cherokee story of the contest set forth by the Creator, one that results in unique gifts given to the mountain lion and the owl. In SOPG we're introduced to the mountain lion. In the sequel, it will be the owl that comes.
I've got half the storyline firmly planted in my head, insofar as it relates to Evaline and her mother. As was the case with the first book, I find myself struggling with Jonah's plotline. I think this is because I most closely relate to Jonah's character and therefore I'm as clueless about what he'd be likely to do as I am about what I myself might do at times. However, I trust myself and my characters to lead me to exactly where we need to be.
So I'll be busy writing, as I'd like to get the first draft done by the end of the year.
Wish me luck!
Oleander
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Bomb-proof Anchors
I am thinking tonight of the view from the cabin my sister and I had in Utah, and the talks that we had on the porch.
I'd shared with her that there were some essential elements I'd experienced up where she's from at LCO, and how I wanted to be able to retain those when I'd left there, and over time, I did. The lessons and growth I'd experienced back in those days I was able to bring into my personal life. I'd shared with her that I wanted to be able to do the same with aspects of our Utah trip together.
For our trip, I'd set a course and made a plan. As we were driving up to where we were staying, my sister said something to the effect of: "Boy, when you say you want to get away, you REALLY get away." I think it's safe to say we saw more mule deers than people up in the La Sal mountains. I'd never been there before and wasn't sure what to expect. But sitting there on the porch late at night, watching the stars watch us, I felt somehow this was worth bringing into my heart, mind and experiences. In other words, something to bring inside and take home with me.
What I'm talking about aren't just trip memories. I've got a lot of memories of LCO, and now Utah. Those are fine, but this is something more. I felt a sense of wonder, amazement and security.
In climbing, there's something called bomb-proof anchors. My instructor on real rock walked me through setting up some basic ones. I'm not as well versed on this aspect of climbing as I'd like to be, but bomb-proof anchors are critical to top rope climbing. Some features they have are setting them with the gates opposite each other in order to ensure maximum strength. They have redundancy to them, if they're going to be solid and secure. They are reliable and secure, which enables the climber to take the risk of climbing itself with relative safety.
I am thinking about bomb-proof anchors because of the similarities of my experiences at LCO and Utah in that I grew a lot from both and want to bring that growth back with me. I think in both cases, I trusted my instincts about people and let the Creator provide the experience.
Maybe the Creator's my bomb-proof anchor. The gates set in opposition are the balance of both the positive and negative experiences that create for me the opportunity to develop awareness, learn and grow. Perhaps it was never a matter of bringing back from LCO or Utah some essential element of an experience. Rather, it was bringing the awareness of my bomb-proof anchor to my daily life, trusting it and allowing the experience to flow.
I had to get away pretty far to recognize what's always with me.
I'd shared with her that there were some essential elements I'd experienced up where she's from at LCO, and how I wanted to be able to retain those when I'd left there, and over time, I did. The lessons and growth I'd experienced back in those days I was able to bring into my personal life. I'd shared with her that I wanted to be able to do the same with aspects of our Utah trip together.
For our trip, I'd set a course and made a plan. As we were driving up to where we were staying, my sister said something to the effect of: "Boy, when you say you want to get away, you REALLY get away." I think it's safe to say we saw more mule deers than people up in the La Sal mountains. I'd never been there before and wasn't sure what to expect. But sitting there on the porch late at night, watching the stars watch us, I felt somehow this was worth bringing into my heart, mind and experiences. In other words, something to bring inside and take home with me.
What I'm talking about aren't just trip memories. I've got a lot of memories of LCO, and now Utah. Those are fine, but this is something more. I felt a sense of wonder, amazement and security.
In climbing, there's something called bomb-proof anchors. My instructor on real rock walked me through setting up some basic ones. I'm not as well versed on this aspect of climbing as I'd like to be, but bomb-proof anchors are critical to top rope climbing. Some features they have are setting them with the gates opposite each other in order to ensure maximum strength. They have redundancy to them, if they're going to be solid and secure. They are reliable and secure, which enables the climber to take the risk of climbing itself with relative safety.
I am thinking about bomb-proof anchors because of the similarities of my experiences at LCO and Utah in that I grew a lot from both and want to bring that growth back with me. I think in both cases, I trusted my instincts about people and let the Creator provide the experience.
Maybe the Creator's my bomb-proof anchor. The gates set in opposition are the balance of both the positive and negative experiences that create for me the opportunity to develop awareness, learn and grow. Perhaps it was never a matter of bringing back from LCO or Utah some essential element of an experience. Rather, it was bringing the awareness of my bomb-proof anchor to my daily life, trusting it and allowing the experience to flow.
I had to get away pretty far to recognize what's always with me.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Lessons in Trust and Anchors
So I'm back from my Utah trip now, still processing the things I learned on it. I'd done the rock climbing in Moab as a metaphor for trust in relationships. Coming off a metaphoric big fall, I needed to know I could climb again and see what that would be like.
Just in case I forgot what the whole climbing trip was about, I was reminded by a colossal blow to my trust in relationships right before the trip. I was like, "Okay already, I get it!" So, I went into the trip with that experience in mind as well.
What I learned from my climb is that I can trust in all forms of relationships, and that I can be in the here and now with the experience. But what I need - nope, need is not strong enough a word for this - what I require in the journey are some anchors to know what it is I can expect to count on and what it is I intend to reach.
In climbing, there are physical anchors that keep you safe. I like those, but this isn't about those. When I climb, I know my skills and abilities and where I'm generally going and what my limits are. I rely on the visual anchors to know what I'm reaching for. And that's where I came to the "ah ha" moment of processing my climbing trip.
You see, I realize that up until recently, I was climbing blind in relationships. There is such a thing in actual climbing as climbing blind - it's a technique used to hone your skills. There are even some excellent visually impaired and blind climbers that I know of. However, in my relationships, I was trusting the process on all accounts and climbing blind, without seeing what I was headed for.
I'm not entirely sure why I would do this in relationships, but the thing I came out of the trip thinking is that I need to know my anchors that keep me safe, and I also need to see some visual anchors from other people. In my climb, and most areas of my life, the anchor that keeps me safe is the Creator's quirky desire to keep me whole. Time and time again, bad stuff has happened, and the Creator always steps in and makes the way for me through it. So, that part is good.
But in terms of relationships with other people, there are visual anchors I require going forward. Reciprocal respect and intention, shared passion and focus toward common goals of human dignity and decency.
I need to see it manifested in your actions toward myself and others.
If you're not doing it, you won't come within 3 yards of me, no matter how slick or entertaining you think you might be. Simply put, I refuse to climb blind in my relationships any longer. The air of mystery about what to expect and drama and excitement of not knowing where I stand with people has lost its appeal, if it ever had any to begin with. Because, as I said in the post on lessons from my Utah trip (Balanced Rock) I know where I stand.
I'm around and a part of multiple Indian communities and people, and often they'll talk about "Indian wannabees." Some mistake me for one because of how I look and treat me accordingly. I let it roll, because it's really nothing worth getting worked up over. But insofar as the concept of "wannabees" relates to relationships I'll be in going forward, human wannabees are not cool in my book and have no place in my life. Either you're one of the real people, or you're not. And it doesn't really matter to me what race, ethnicity, religion, sexuality you happen to come in is. I don't need posers acting like real people in my life going forward.
So, I am happy to realize I'd been climbing blind, because I was really beginning to doubt my instincts about folks, and I realize it's not my instincts that have been faulty. It's been my steadfast refusal to require visual anchors that would indicate the above that has.
My instincts led me to some amazing and positive encounters when I stopped climbing blind on this trip, even off rock and into human relationships. I met some wonderful people who reminded me that the world likely has many more of them.
Choices, Chance or Luck?
I'm thinking of my youth tonight, a place I don't go to very much. It's kind of like a dark alley for me, with memories threatening to jump out from the shadows. I was writing something about the drug culture in my neighborhood where I grew up, and it made me think back.
I have two good friends from high school that I stay in touch with and am close to even today. But I'm thinking of the other one tonight, one I lost touch with many years ago.
We both grew up in the same neighborhood, with the same broken up, messed up crazy families. We both went to the same high school. She was a year older than me, a beautiful, spiritual and artistic girl. Her spirit was just so full of love.
She had to have a surgery that kept her out of school for a few months, and she fell behind with her coursework. There was a high school drop out guy who had some time on his hands who started to hang around. He didn't treat her like the piece of meat to be ridiculed and gossiped about later like the other guys she encountered did. No, instead he showed her a whole new way to make the pain go away.
Drugs.
I don't really know, I think she was grateful for the attention and bored, stuck at home with the hideous life I also had a few blocks away. Eventually, she became pregnant, and decided to drop out of school, too. Told me it wasn't so bad, she'd be a mom, they'd maybe get married. We started drifting out of each other's lives. Pretty soon, another baby was on the way, and she came by, asking for money to help. She looked haggard and sounded surly most times.
The last I heard of her, she was selling heroin out of a van on the streets, living in it.
I thought I saw her once. I was on my way to some fancy dinner party downtown, and we drove past someone that looked like her. "I wanted to scream and shout, stop the damned car!" and run over to her. Except the people I was with didn't know about me. All polished up and pretty, educated and shiny, hair coiffed and makeup on, they had no idea of where I came from, nor would they have understood it if I'd tried to explain. And what would I say to her?
I've tried to find her since, but she's nowhere to be found. We were very much the same, and came from the same environment, but we took very different paths.
I think I strive to avoid the dark alleys of my memories. Yet every time I've found someone who reminds me of her, I work that much harder. I don't want to see beautiful, spiritual, wonderful people having that kind of life. There are those who say, we're exactly where we're meant to be for a reason and that there are lessons we learn in life from our experience. We can't take those away from people,. Still, I'd have liked to have seen something better happen for her.
I'm not really sure why I didn't end up going down that path. Was it choice, chance, luck or some combination? I think the thing I had with me during those years was a desire to get out of the environment I was in, the neighborhood that I was in. I had a belief that there had to be something out there that was better than what I was living with. I'm not really certain what I based that on, since I hadn't experienced anything different at that time, except to say that I had an active imagination, or ability to speculate on the possibilities that something, maybe, could be different.
Maybe, on some implicit level, I realized that while I couldn't change my environment or the people in it, I had the power to create something new and different for myself.
And I still do.
Do you?
I have two good friends from high school that I stay in touch with and am close to even today. But I'm thinking of the other one tonight, one I lost touch with many years ago.
We both grew up in the same neighborhood, with the same broken up, messed up crazy families. We both went to the same high school. She was a year older than me, a beautiful, spiritual and artistic girl. Her spirit was just so full of love.
She had to have a surgery that kept her out of school for a few months, and she fell behind with her coursework. There was a high school drop out guy who had some time on his hands who started to hang around. He didn't treat her like the piece of meat to be ridiculed and gossiped about later like the other guys she encountered did. No, instead he showed her a whole new way to make the pain go away.
Drugs.
I don't really know, I think she was grateful for the attention and bored, stuck at home with the hideous life I also had a few blocks away. Eventually, she became pregnant, and decided to drop out of school, too. Told me it wasn't so bad, she'd be a mom, they'd maybe get married. We started drifting out of each other's lives. Pretty soon, another baby was on the way, and she came by, asking for money to help. She looked haggard and sounded surly most times.
The last I heard of her, she was selling heroin out of a van on the streets, living in it.
I thought I saw her once. I was on my way to some fancy dinner party downtown, and we drove past someone that looked like her. "I wanted to scream and shout, stop the damned car!" and run over to her. Except the people I was with didn't know about me. All polished up and pretty, educated and shiny, hair coiffed and makeup on, they had no idea of where I came from, nor would they have understood it if I'd tried to explain. And what would I say to her?
I've tried to find her since, but she's nowhere to be found. We were very much the same, and came from the same environment, but we took very different paths.
I think I strive to avoid the dark alleys of my memories. Yet every time I've found someone who reminds me of her, I work that much harder. I don't want to see beautiful, spiritual, wonderful people having that kind of life. There are those who say, we're exactly where we're meant to be for a reason and that there are lessons we learn in life from our experience. We can't take those away from people,. Still, I'd have liked to have seen something better happen for her.
I'm not really sure why I didn't end up going down that path. Was it choice, chance, luck or some combination? I think the thing I had with me during those years was a desire to get out of the environment I was in, the neighborhood that I was in. I had a belief that there had to be something out there that was better than what I was living with. I'm not really certain what I based that on, since I hadn't experienced anything different at that time, except to say that I had an active imagination, or ability to speculate on the possibilities that something, maybe, could be different.
Maybe, on some implicit level, I realized that while I couldn't change my environment or the people in it, I had the power to create something new and different for myself.
And I still do.
Do you?
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Balanced Rock
I've returned from my Utah trip, and I'm thinking about the things that came out of it for me. The above is a picture of me by Balanced Rock in Arches National Park in Utah.
I'm thinking of how to be Balanced Rock myself in these days. How did this formation weather the centuries and environmental realities in order to maintain its beauty and formation integrity?
I think the rock must know what it's made of, essentially. I heard an amazing orator speak this week, and he happens to come by it honestly, in that as he spoke, I imagined how his ancestors must have spoken, and how he carries who he is forth to the present day and weathers today's environmental realities.
I got to know some wonderful Maori people for a brief period of time, and they explained their perspective, of how our ancestors can be with us. It seemed to me that they maintain the balance through a steadfast commitment to the integrity of their teachings and core central view.
As you can tell, I met some amazing Balanced Rocks even outside of Arches National Park!
In my own family, we've lost much of the oral traditions that would have sustained us. A cousin and I are the main proponents of examining the genealogy and extending back our family tree. A generation before, someone had begun the work for us, and perhaps a generation after, it will continue. Still, I do feel that there are qualities and attributes we carry forward into today's environment that are a product of our shared ancestors, perhaps without fully even realizing it.
I'm ever vigilant for signs that direct the course that give me indicators of a
course of action that may not seem to make much sense to others. I sit back, watch, listen, before swooping in taking action, but by the time I've taken the action, I've already got a bead on something. I don't expend unnecessary energy in my hunt, so I'm very efficient in my use of what some might consider power. I do this, but it never occurred to me until I heard the orator speak, that perhaps this is a gift of my lineage.
I discovered my playful humor on this trip, and experienced in in quite a new way. It was genuine, bubbling forth like water from a stream, dancing across rocks. I found myself out from the shadows of whatever portals of hell had opened above me, and into the sunlight in order to flow. That resiliency is a part of the Balanced Rock that is me.
Perhaps I embraced the death to all of the things I held dear, and just went with "what is" rather than what I wanted it to be. Even in doing so, there's the knowledge and awareness of choices made by others beyond both my comprehension and control, on areas that directly impact me. But I feel at peace with it and myself, because like Balanced Rock in Arches National Park, I know where I stand.
Really, that's all that matters, is knowing that and being all right with it.
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