Why I wrote, why I write

I had a great appointment with a Jungian analyst tonight. A therapist - a psychologist no less. Who knew? What does a writer go to a Jungian analyst for, you might ask?

The process of self-exploration.

It was interesting that I came full circle in this process, because tonight we talked about why I'm doing this writing thing at all. It wasn't my question, it was his, but he wanted to know and to understand. Understanding me on my terms is a complex thing, so he must be a courageous sort. He knows I've got my day job, which has got nothing to do with writing fiction, and he knows I don't make any money off of doing this kind of fundraising writing project that I'm doing with The Summer of Pomba Gira. He wanted to understand if I'm looking to do a career change or something, and I said no.

I don't think I'd want to be a writer chasing after dollars. There's something for me about that that takes away from my pure enjoyment of the process and what it is I'm trying to accomplish. If I write for money, there's an expectation of sales, and a narrowly defined path where success if measured on somebody else's terms. I'd rather do it as a fundraiser for someone else, something I care about.

I explained it's about a sphere of influence. In my line of work, my regular career, we're not trained to be activists. Most people aren't trained to be activists, and frankly, if you try to learn it in a classroom setting, it's not partcularly easy. I learned from the people who were on the streets doing it, in communities, facing off with struggles every day that most people don't even realize exist.

Honestly, I didn't know how much I picked up from these folks. It seeped into me gradually, over a period of time. One day, a woman I worked with was reading Saul Alinsky for a class and said that she was on to me now, that I sounded a lot like him. I looked at her and blinked and said, "who?" About a year later, another woman I know said much the same thing, and was reading Paulo Friere's Pedagogy of the Oppressed. Again, my response was the same...who? I eventually got curious an read them both, and saw what they meant. I thought about the people in my life I'd been inspired by, and they were all activists who taught me the meaning of DOING.

Back to me and the Jungian analyst. We talked and I was able to convey that when you're doing something from deep inside of you, it may not be something that is fit for mainstream. Mainstream isn't going to like it, because it bucks the pre-ordained, pre-conceived ideas of what is marketable and ought to be distributed to the masses in order to keep us all well drugged.

There's a part of me long before I became this crazy writer chick, where I took the unconventional path, and defined success on my own terms. In my regular day job career, it's suited me well in terms of spheres of influence about the things that matter to me most. It's not too different with my writing. There are things that we don't talk about, things we do and experience on a mindboggling daily basis that never get talked about. Going to therapy is one of them, by way of example. Experiencing racism and internalizing it is another, one that we save for "safe" friends to talk about it with. Facing off with a constant bombardment of what are "ideal" ways to experience womanhood (or manhood for that matter) is another.

There are little islands of us everywhere, struggling with what we believe and who we believe and if we even believe in ourselves at all. We put on the smile and keep moving on. Except where is it we're moving to, or what is it we're moving toward? Is it that ideal of somebody else's expectation of us? Or the one we told ourselves was really ours, and that if only we "make it" to that something on the horizon, then we'll be acceptable? That day will never come, if we don't start with knowing that we already are.

So my writing has no answers. If it gives pause momentarily from the grind we find ourselves in, to find some magic or something sacred in what's presently and currently surrounding us that has nothing to do with escapism, but brings forth some awareness, then that's good. Then the sphere of influence I'd hoped to accomplish has been achieved. Make it your own. Host a Pomba Gira party and be sure to invite me. Better still, be inspired and live your dream.